Dear evil thief who keeps stealing my Diet Coke's at work,
I HATE YOU! No, seriously...I do. I know hate is a strong word. I was taught not to use it. But you keep freakin stealing my Diet Cokes. WHHHHHYYYYY????? Why do you have to do it on those days when I'm having a really bad day and am in need of a Diet Coke? Why do you steal at all? Why are you so dishonest and unethical?
I'm sorry if you can't afford the $0.75 machine in our kitchen. That's why I bring my own. So I don't have to spend so much. But then YOU keep stealing from me...so I end up not saving any money anyway!
I'm a nice enough person, and I don't steal from you. I even buy candy and put it on my desk for the entire building to come enjoy! Sometimes I even bake treats! So, why steal from me? Seriously???
I just want you to know, in this open letter to whoever you are, that I lick all of my Diet Coke cans PRIOR TO putting them in the kitchen. So...that means you are getting a bunch of my slobbery spit when you steal my drinks? Revenge? I think not. I call that justice! If you get sick...its your own damn fault for being a thieving liar! That's the price you pay for dishonesty! So take that, sucka!
I realize I'm being harsh. But that's because I'm a victim. And when something as precious as a Diet Coke is stolen...well...there's no more Miss Nice Girl!
Stop stealing from me. Its not very nice.
PS - To my readers. I'm frustrated. I like open letters. I think this will be a new regular on my blog.